Today was tough…

How many times have I written a sentence to share a story with people that started with that phrase, or even the underlying thought?

It was tough.

We’re in a new place. The air is different. I’m getting sick. I told myself I’m plenty tough and that the dry heat of Texas has nothing for me. I was born next door in New Mexico. I was raised on hot sauce, thunderstorms, jokes about Texas drivers, and hot dry air. But I feel something I haven’t had in about three years. It’s an upper respiratory infection. I know the feeling. I can feel the sickness looming.

Boy if that was the only thing I was rocking, this wouldn’t be that bad. I would probably still be whining.

I have been fighting hospital administrators to see my son and treat his cancer. I have been fighting the rage inside of me to not come out and consume people who are not getting that we don’t have options. We’re not at Target and have to go down the street to Wal-Mart. There’s no Amazon alternative. We can’t just give him plenty of fluids and rest.

It’s flipping cancer, dude.

We moved here and among the reasons we did so was this hospital, its reputation, and the fact that the reason they gave for not treating him has been on their desk for three months with nary an objection until all of our stuff is on a boat on the Pacific Ocean.

And they’re not treating him. Yet. They were not even taking my requests in a timely fashion or seriously.

And then I let the Hulk out.

The lady on the phone asked me to be patient.

You want to hear someone begin to panic? Tell them “no” when they ask you to be patient.

Among the words I used every low tone of my burning throat to speak in rapid succession at her was the insistence that a professional knows how to make people answer them if they are serious about getting their work done. They can compel their own job to happen if they actually think they have a job that belongs to them.

And there it was. The monster lurking within me. Did I swear? No. Did I raise my voice? No. Did I tell a person who works with people and their children fighting cancer every day that she doesn’t take her work seriously.

Yes.

In a way, what I did was worse because I repeated the powerful destructive words of someone who used to demean my work and progress.

Eventually I got ahold of someone who could problem solve with me. I ended up in a public assistance office right before closing hours, at the end of their exhausting work day, at the end of my energy. And the woman who helped me was kind. She gave me the extra mile of her effort. I was happy, dumbfounded, frustrated, exhausted, and somehow emasculated.

Hot. Mess.

I’m tired

I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

‘Cause I’m worn

I know I need

To lift my eyes up

But I’m too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that You can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

And my prayers are wearing thin

I’m worn even before the day begins

I’m worn I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Yes all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn- Jeff Ingraham, Jeff Owen, and Mike Donahey. CCLI# 6397757

Copyright Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Redeemed. Mess.

The funny thing about being word down is that it is the process of sanding that takes rough edges into smooth ones. It is absolutely astounding to me that of all of the difficulties I faced today, the hardest one is that there was that shadow of a monster still lurking to strike in a moment of duress. I don’t care that I didn’t swear. I have my standards and broke them.

I parked my rental vehicle that reeks of bad choices and hasty cleaning and walked exhausted back into my parents’ house. I filled out the online paperwork for six people. We have a large family. It doesn’t seem that big until I try to convince a government official that we are real people.

I closed the computer and found that my exhaustion wore me to a place where I believe that monster is being exorcised. Can it be? Does God redeem bad days with better people? Has He made me stronger now? Will it take more to break me?

Oh and you just let me find that lady who I called an unprofessional human being.

She’s gonna get some love.

Cause I’m worn. And that wearing down takes down the rough edges. And makes me better.