There’s something huge about everyone going to sleep under one roof. My mind is more focused. I’m generally happier. I’m starting to understand what it means to be the father of four children.
It’s a little more, I guess.
After Leo came home from his long stay and we had all of us under one roof for the first time, this very special bush began blooming for the first time in a season.
It’s Sophie’s bush. These are the plants that Mom sent us when we lost our baby back in October of 2016. God gave Desiree a name for the baby when He took her home.
That was such a bitter and heart-rending loss. It cast a shadow during the pregnancy with Judah. We also couldn’t help but feel a slight amount of guilt at what is an otherwise unfettered joy. We had to fight for that joy.
We had it too.
When Jaymie the midwife held Judah out of the water for the first time, there was no shadow of shame or loss. There was no regret. There was us. Exhausted. And full of joy.
I went back to the hospital with that joy. Leo needed it that day. We endured the rest of the week and came home.
I woke the next morning and looked through the window. Sophie’s flowers were in bloom. Two of them. Gardenias with the sweet smell of spring on the horizon. I pulled them into a small glass and set them next to Désirée’s bedside. Each time two would go bad, two more would bloom. They are still in bloom.
Now I don’t carry the superstition of those in glory watching over us and effecting the physical world. If God gives them a view from heaven, I hope He gives my little girl only the best hits of my life here. Either way, I take them as God’s endorsement that everyone is where they belong now.
I’m really a father of five.
Two are learning the alphabet.
One is currently drooling through a lumbar puncture.
One has cheeks you could squeeze and kiss till he graduates.
One knows vastly more about forever than I’ll know this side of glory.
I can’t wait to meet her someday.