This morning started with vomiting. Last night ended the same. Drs aren’t sure if it’s from a virus that Leo’s currently rocking or a leftover from the chemo they had to abort on the launchpad because it was going to give him that face Will Smith had in Hitch. I’m so frustrated because his vocabulary isn’t full enough to let us know if he’s got gas cramps, or if he’s nauseous, or if his stomach simply hurts.
Back to the PAU we went this morning.
The PAU… pediatric ambulatory unit. It’s an outpatient factory of compassion and chemotherapy. Kids come in, get weighed, measured, poked (and some awesome compensatory toys for the pokes,) and then poison to kill a killer virus. They see a lot of children. They know and love all of my children. The receptionist knows me by first name.
They are amazing.
To access Leo’s port, we put a local anesthetic on his skin before we leave and it’s mostly numb when they poke the most cruel looking needle into his port through his skin. It goes quickly and he gets a toy at the end. Today he got two because they stuck a swab up his sinuses and tickled his brain to check him for the flu.
They administered the anti nausea meds we have at home intravenously because he couldn’t keep them down at home.
Today I watched from the floor because as I was packing up his stuff to take to the hospital, I sneezed and threw out my back.
Because I don’t have enough going on right now.
On the way to the hospital, I was listening to the radio and a song I was taught to mock came on. “I can only imagine…”
It’s hard to drive when you’re weeping.
And I did.
What more beautiful assurance is there in this life? It promises paradise once a temporary suffering is replaced with eternity in The Presence. When El Roi “the God who sees me” takes me from The Valley of the Shadow, to the meadow of eternity where I see Him… the golden city… the River and the Tree…
I cried and prayed over my sister Alecia Bowers who is fighting this unique fight only seventy seven shades harder. It’s not her child but her partner in love, life, and children raising. She’s endured my hardship and worse. And she’s so close to the heart of all of her friends. To her Father. And I know these moments are close to her too. When you just don’t know what is wrong and you’re tired of torturing a beautiful creation of God with the same question, “what hurts?” It’s just wrong.
And she is showing her heart to be mightier than pain. Because she waits on the Lord. Pray for her. Pray for my family.
And, Y’all , tonight I’m celebrating because I saw my son eat a bite of hamburger meat. Tonight I’m celebrating because I saw him smile. Im celebrating because he and I fell asleep snuggling this afternoon blissfully ignorant of any pains in our bodies. I’m celebrating because my pain is easily mitigated with medicine and rest.
Celebrate with me.
In it we leave death and pain and suffering impotent. In it we celebrate a good God who has dealt gently with me.
We win today. Don’t much care the cost.